I’ve heard from many people around me that they are struggling in their marriages. They are saying things like, “If only he would do things differently” or “If only she would be this way, then everything would be better”.
So, how do you change your partner? How do you get them to see that they are the problem?
You may or may not have noticed that most of the problems fall under three categories: money, intimacy, and communication. Anything that goes on in a relationship can be classified under these three topics. These tips can be applied to issues that result from any of these three categories.
Now, before you get upset, let me explain. You find yourself upset with your partner, maybe it’s something they did or didn’t do or a promise they didn’t keep. But, have you noticed that when you’re upset with your partner, there’s usually a need that isn’t being fulfilled? It’s not about the clothes on the floor or the flowers you didn’t get. There’s a need that isn’t being met. Maybe you’re not feeling understood or acknowledged or appreciated. And, you probably already know that angry words and yelling will not fix the issue. So, what do you do?
Take a look inside. What is the need underneath it all? Maybe you’re upset that they haven’t asked you how you’re doing after you heard that your best friend is not well. Or, you’re not feeling valued in the relationship. Maybe you feel overwhelmed and your partner hasn’t noticed. When you can identify that need and really figure out what’s behind it, you can present it to your partner in that way. And, it can be very disarming to your partner when you approach it in that way. So, you have to go inwards in order to have your needs met. That inner wisdom is the most valuable of all. This is what will really change everything.
That brings me to the second of these three tips to change your partner.
Everything that we do in our relationship is something that we have learned. It is something that we have observed in our parents, we have observed in our own relationships, or we have observed in other people in our lives. When you start to notice those things, you’ll see that you’ve created a story behind it. That story becomes a belief which can influence not only who you choose for your partner but also how you show up in your relationship. It’s up to you to decide whether that’s working for you or not. Then, you get to decide whether to change it or not.
How did you grow up? What was the relationship between your parents? Did they stay together? Did they divorce? Were they unhappy? Were they unhappy and still stayed together? What beliefs are you carrying about your relationship that are either serving you or not serving you? Pick up a journal and write down what you learned about relationships. Once you understand that you will begin to see how you have shown up in your relationship, whether that’s working or not, and how you want to show up from now on.
Let me share a scenario with you. A client once told me that he was very upset because his partner refused to come to an appointment with him. Now, he brought in a deep sense of abandonment, but he wasn’t aware of that. He was focused on his resentment. “Oh, she didn’t come. I asked her to do something and she didn’t do it.” Can you relate to that? Can you relate to that feeling of disappointment? Oftentimes, we feel upset because we’re disappointed and there’s an expectation that isn’t being met. He didn’t say anything to her and the resentment grew. Neither one talked about it, they both just shut down. Now, a year later, they’re living in a loveless marriage. Is that you? Can you relate to this story? Or maybe you have more explosions between each other, more arguments and anger.
But here’s the thing, emotions leave an energetic imprint. Resentment, anger, jealousy all have low vibration and frequency to them. And, these negative emotions impact you most of all. That disappointment left an energetic imprint in him, which meant every time he had an interaction with her, he would look at her from that lens. The one that says, “Oh, she’s doing it again”. But, isn’t that what we do? We have this story we’ve created and then we look at everything from the lens of that story. That leads to disharmony and the impact can be very detrimental. It can make you sick, it can lead you to have more discord in your family, it can create a lack of peace, and so much more.
So, how could this have been prevented?
If he had just asked her why she didn’t show up or shared with her how he was feeling, things could have shifted right then and there. Work on clearing those energetic imprints and keep an open line of communication with your partner.
So, let’s recap:
Doing these three things can really start to change your partner and improve your relationship.
Don’t miss this week’s podcast episode kicking off my Relationship Mini-Series! I’m going to be giving you some practical pointers on improving communication and your relationship. New podcast episodes go up every Thursday so don’t miss out – subscribe now!
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